The Almost Fairytale Wedding
by Hilaire
Summary: Perfect wedding? Not with Diva and Saya in it. SolomonDiva. HajiSaya. Crackfic. OOC. One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Blood+.**  
Claimer: **This fan fiction and all its errors are **mine**.

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* * *

Wedding Mayhem**

Perfect wedding? Not with Diva and Saya in it.

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As a consequence of some miracle (which _really_ deserves to be called _miracle_since it cannot be explained even by the authoress), everyone was at peace now. Diva stopped her blood-sucking spree, Saya quitted pigging out, Haji remained quiet and just played his cello (as always), Solomon began liking Diva (much more than he used to), and the other extras who are not supposed to be called extras at all were doing their usual stuff.

It so happened that several months ago, Haji and Solomon planned some dilly-dally way of proposing. The two of them – who in some way got together to talk (as to how and why, the authoress is also not sure) – planned for their marriage proposals: Haji to Saya and Solomon to Diva.

After long months of painstaking planning and plotting, the day of the double wedding finally came.

۞۞۞

**Church.**

"Do I really have to enter that place?" the nefarious Diva asked with a grimace. Just thinking about entering the church made her uncomfortable. "What if I burst into flames?" She knew she was evil before, and that still hadn't changed.

"Yes, you have to," Saya said.

"How come you're so calm? You've never entered a church before. And you're as evil as I am," Diva commented with a slight frown. "What if we never get out of there alive? I still want to spend some time with Solomon." She grinned lasciviously.

"Girls, girls!" the wedding coordinators said, emerging from the church. "Ready yourselves; you'd be entering any minute now." With that cue, Saya and Diva stood side by side, facing the church and relaxing themselves, anticipating being with their husbands-to-be. They each held a bouquet of roses: Saya's red and Diva's blue. The two were their preferred colors, and they even fought over the motif. They decided this: To each her own. The result wasn't completely nice. The church's left side was decorated with blue roses and blue embellishments, while the right side was decorated with red ones. Diva's wedding gown was blue, while Saya's was red. Haji still wore black, while Solomon wore white.

A short while elapsed and the music of the wedding march began. Saya began walking slowly, as rehearsed, but the childish Diva immediately ran to Solomon, yelling his name. "Solomon!" she shouted childlike-ly as she ran and threw her arms around his neck.

Saya stopped short. Her eyes grew wide. "Hey, Diva, quit that! That's _Haji_!" she said, running this time. _Darn, I didn't think this double wedding would be this disastrous. I should have expected that with Diva around. _She ran toward her sister, her gaze screaming bloody murder. "That's _Haji_!"

Diva continued hugging Haji – who wasn't the slightest bit affected. He just looked at Diva and rolled his eyes casually (you'd never expect that from him!).

Solomon, meanwhile, stood there, shocked. Wow, it's shaking to get dumped on your wedding day, you know?

"Diva!" Saya said and pulled her sister away from her groom. "Get your paws off **my** groom! You have _your own_!" She tugged. "Come on! Let go!"

Gloomily, Solomon continued smiling, although inwardly, he thought, _Haji's a lucky guy. They're fighting over him._

Diva turned to Saya when she felt her sister's fingernails dig into her shoulders. "Don't rip my dress, you witch!" she said, letting go of and moving away from Haji. It seemed over the years, she still hadn't changed her attitude. "He's _yours_. I just made a mistake." She then shoved Haji – who fortunately didn't lose his balance. She turned to Solomon and enfolded him in her arms. "Don't worry, you're cuter than him, anyway," she said as she casually pushed her head against his chest. Her eyes had this dreamy look.

Solomon breathed a sigh of relief. _Whew._

Haji flinched. "I heard that."

Saya patted him. "That's fine, Haji. I still think – "

Diva interrupted her. "That's what _you_ think."

"Diva, will you just shut up?" Saya said, irritated. "Just this _once_, why don't you?"

Diva shrugged, still hugging the now-gasping-for-air Solomon. "I _never_ shut up."

The priest standing before the altar spoke up before Saya could retort. "Could you all go to your positions now? I'd like the ceremony to begin."

Diva glared at him. "_Shut up_." That gained a groan from their visitors. Everyone was there: David, Julia, Lewis, Mao, Kaori, the Phantom, Nathan, James, and some other extra people not worth mentioning (read: the shifs). They all thought Diva had changed, but apparently, that was a shot in hell.

Even the entourage was complete. Kai and Amschel (who paid for everything, unlucky him) were the best men. The maids-of-honor were Irene and Kaori. Riku (who was resuscitated in some miraculous way) was the ring-bearer.

Saya shushed Diva. "Don't tell him that," she whispered to her sister. "He's just a normal human being. He's not used to us. Besides, we just paid him to be here."

"We did?" Diva asked. She messed with the wedding planning, but still didn't know everything about it. For the past months Saya had been spending for this day, Diva just enjoyed her endless life being with Solomon or ripping dolls' heads off their bodies. "If we paid him, then he should shut up."

Saya shook her head. "Diva."

"Saya," Diva mimicked.

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Diva."

"Saya."

"Di – " Saya stopped. This could go on forever. Her sister was someone uncannily patient. "Let's just go to our positions, all right?"

Diva thought for a while. She looked at Solomon. "Do we go?" she asked self-indulgently.

Solomon smiled. These days, Diva only listened to him. "We should."

"All right," Diva decided and pulled him to the altar. Saya and Haji followed.

The priest began his sermon. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this company, to join together in holy matrimony Saya and Haji – " He stopped unsurely when Diva glared at him. "What?"

"Why only them?" she almost screamed. She moved to strangle the priest. "You _useless_ - !"

Before she could do that, Solomon and Saya halted her. "Calm down, Diva," Saya said, pulling her sister's wedding gown. Haji stood there, acting typical by not helping them stop Diva. He wondered how Solomon could stand the childish woman.

"How can I possibly calm down with this _inept_ person taking over this wedding?" Diva said, ballistic. If it weren't for the two who were stopping her, the priest would have already been dead by then.

"He still hasn't finished yet, Diva," Solomon said calmly. With that, Diva calmed down, stepping down from the table.

"Fine, I'll stop. Continue, you _incompetent idiot_," she demanded.

"Saya and Haji – "

"There he goes again!" Diva screamed, completely angry now. "You stupid, stupid – "

"Diva," Solomon said. Diva stopped, fuming still.

The terrified priest continued. He was thinking to himself: Perhaps he had committed too many mistakes so that was why he was assigned to do this ceremony. The heavens must have been punishing him. " – and Diva and Solomon. This love is powerful enough to untie the strong entangled knot of life. It is a love which is spoken of in all religions, which kindles our souls with hope and which is our true home, our true meeting place. Saya and Haji and Diva and Solomon have opened their hearts to one another, and today in just a few moments will share their vows of marriage together. We are deeply grateful to them for opening their hearts to us as well, inviting us to witness and share in this precious moment. To this day they bring the fullness of their being as a treasure to share with one another. Their marriage is being entered into reverently, with the recognition of a true union which has been discovered. For what greater joy is there for – " He stopped again when Diva yawned loudly.

"He's boring," Diva complained. "Let's grab some food." She turned to get out of the church. "Very boring."

"Diva," Saya said in a whisper. "Food will come later. Just be patient, will you?" she said. "You're not supposed to walk out on your own wedding ceremony."

The indecisive Diva smirked. "Just tell him to talk faster." She glared at the priest yet again. "And I do mean _faster_!"

The priest, petrified of his current predicament, spoke faster than he ever thought he could – than any human could. Julia threw David a glance. "Is this supposed to be this way? I don't understand a thing he's saying."

"I'm not sure. I guess it's not supposed to, but with Diva around – "

In one minute, the tedious, supposed to be thirty-minute sermon was finished. Diva was happy with it. "He's not much of an idiot than I thought he is." She assumed a detective pose. "But I didn't understand anything he said." She smiled happily at Solomon. "I guess he's still an idiot."

"If any man can show just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace." The priest looked around. Expectedly, nobody contested. Although gasping for air, he did not dare stop. "Solomon, do you take Diva to be your wife, to love her, to comfort her, to cherish her, to continually bestow upon her your heart's deepest devotion, and keep her in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others, keep you only unto her, so long as you both shall live?" He decided to mention first Solomon and Diva so as not to make the blue-eyed bride angry.

Solomon smiled, nodded, and looked at Diva lovingly. "I do."

Diva couldn't restrain herself. She kissed him.

"Wait, that's still to come!" Saya protested. It was too late, though. Diva was already kissing her groom. "You still even haven't said _I do_, Diva," she added, somewhat pouting.

The priest continued. "Diva, do you take Solomon to be your husband, to love him, to comfort him, to cherish him, to continually bestow upon him your heart's deepest devotion, and keep him in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others, keep you only unto him, so long as you both shall live?"

Diva let go of Solomon's lips. She grinned. "I do," she said.

The priest turned to Saya and Haji. "Haji, do you take Saya to be your wife, to love her, to comfort her, to cherish her, to continually bestow upon her your heart's deepest devotion, and keep her in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others, keep you only unto her, so long as you both shall live?"

No response.

The priest repeated his question.

Still no response.

Saya was getting impatient.

The priest repeated his question.

Haji just stared at him.

The priest was shaken, scared of the silent groom. He thought the only peculiar one was the blue-eyed bride, but it seemed that this other groom was a lot scarier than she. "Uh… okay, that must be an 'I do'."

Haji stared at him.

The priest, bending toward Haji, whispered, "Are you being forced to marry this woman?"

Saya was enraged. "What is wrong with you? You think I'm forcing him, you #$%^#! Don't dare say that, you %$#^$&!"

Diva chortled incessantly. Pointing to Saya, she said, "Hahahahaha! Saya's forcing Haji to marry her!"

"Haji, just say 'I do'," Saya instructed, gathering herself and glaring at Diva.

Haji sighed. "I thought you'd never notice. I didn't know what I'm supposed to say." He turned to the priest. "I do."

The priest, sighing, turned to Saya. "Saya, do you take Haji to be your husband, to love him, to comfort him, to cherish him, to continually bestow upon him your heart's deepest devotion, and keep him in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others, keep you only unto him, so long as you both shall live?"

Saya nodded. "I do."

The priest continued. "Please join hands, face one another and repeat after me: you are my beloved, to love and to cherish, and to have and to hold, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, in sadness and in joy, to share our lives together, from this day forward."

Solomon and Saya repeated what the priest said dutifully; while Diva only reiterated the words she wanted. Haji didn't say anything (honestly, what do you expect?).

Exasperated, the priest turned to the noncompliant two. "You should repeat what I'm saying, else you wouldn't be married."

Diva answered obediently. "You should repeat what I'm saying, else you'd – "

"Not that!"

"Not that!" Diva said.

The priest looked at Saya. "Can you explain the situation to her?"

Saya just nodded and convinced Diva to do as she was told. Diva pouted. "I'm doing it. It's just that he's stupid," she said, pointing at the poor priest. "He doesn't even know what he's saying."

"Diva!"

Diva's reply was sarcastic. "Saya!" She then recited what the priest said, much to Saya's relief.

It was Haji's turn. "Haji, you better say something. It doesn't work like that – I mean, you always being so quiet. It's time for you to talk," Saya told him.

Haji stared at the priest and turned to Diva. "You are my beloved, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth."

Diva looked at him as if he had grown two heads. "Are you all right?" Then she chuckled. "Saya, your groom is cheating on you!" she announced in a singsong. "Haji's cheating on Saya… Haji's cheating on Saya…!"

"Haji, you're supposed to tell _me_ that," Saya demanded, her brows furrowing.

"I didn't know that," he said. Apparently, during practice, he wasn't listening. In fact, he didn't attend any of those practices. He rectified his error and the ceremony continued.

Next were the rings. Kai and Amschel stepped forward, being the best men, and so did Irene and Kaori, being the maids-of-honor.

The Minister recited the vows, and Solomon and Haji followed. "This ring I give you in faith and pledge of our constant love and lasting devotion."

Diva and Saya followed suit. "This ring I give you in faith or pledge of our constant love and lasting devotion."

Now there was a problem. Haji had a bandage around his left hand, where the ring was supposed to be placed.

"Uh-oh," Saya muttered. What should they do? They dared not remove the bandage from Haji's hand.

The priest gazed at Haji. "What do you think are you doing? Remove that bandage now!" _So I can get home and rest. This has been one hellish day._

Haji didn't budge.

"What, you won't do anything?" the priest almost yelled, frustrated.

Haji's brows twitched dangerously. Trouble.

Saya glanced at the priest. "Uh… it's fine. I'll just do something about it." She forced the ring on Haji's bandaged hand. The audience had to slap their foreheads in frustration.

Solomon shook his head. _At least I don't have that kind of hand. I'm still lucky._

Saya continued what she was doing, beads of sweat forming on her forehead. "Haji… what kind of hands are these, anyway?"

"It's your fault," Haji stated calmly.

Saya's jaws fell. "Uh… this is fine. I'll do something about this. I guess we just have to remove this." She didn't hear any protest, so she proceeded.

The priest practically shrieked when he saw Haji's hand. "W-What… what is that?" Then he shrieked again, almost fainting. "Please, slap me to prove that I'm not dreaming!"

Diva walked up to him and smiled cold-bloodedly. "Of course." She slapped him, and unfortunately, he flew due to the great force she used and whacked against the sturdy wall several meters from where he used to stand, _dead_. "Oops."

The Minister stood there, eyes wide. He was too shocked to say anything.

The audience ooh-ed and ahh-ed.

"Bloodbath!" the Phantom yelled happily, performing his random happy dance. "Who wants to dance with me?!" he asked, and ended up horribly depressed in one corner when no one paid attention to him.

The priest – who only _seemed_ dead, stood up, shaking. His clothes were covered with blood. The Phantom looked up from his corner, his eyes flashing menacingly. "Why is he not dead?"

Diva saw the priest. "Hey, do you want me to slap you again? To convince you this is not a dream?" She looked at her hands. "I can do that a million times."

He immediately shook his head. "No, no!" He began running away. "Help me!" he screamed. Before he could even get out of the place, the Phantom and Amschel blocked his path.

"You fool. You think you can get out of here without finishing this ceremony?" they told him, glaring at him manically.

"I paid for this, you moron!" Amschel shouted at him. "Get back there!"

Having no choice, the priest went back to the altar. "Are you done?" he asked Saya, wiping the blood on his forehead. He was soaked and completely red. He felt like dying then and there.

Saya nodded. She held up Haji's hand. The ring was there, although it was not around Haji's fingers. It was around his _nails_. "Good enough."

After another lengthy talk, the Minister finally said: "Solomon, Haji, you may kiss your bride and your wife."

A loud applause echoed throughout the whole place as Solomon and Haji kissed their wives.

۞۞۞

"It's time for picture taking!" Riku said.

"I've been waiting for this," Karl said narcissistically, fixing his hair. He dragged the photographer to the spot where he wanted his picture taken. "Yeah, yeah, take my picture, got it?"

"Hey, quit that, Karl," Amschel, pissed off. "I paid for this! He should take my picture first!"

"What? But I got to him first!"

Amschel glared at him. "Pay for him, then!"

"What?"

"Pay for him!"

The argument continued, and a short while later, the Phantom was saying, "Let us now replay our own version of the Vietnam War!"

Amschel kicked him. "You idiot, you think I'd wait for you to finish your _speech_?"

Diva glanced at them. "Aw." While the two men argued, she dragged the photographer – who was very, very scared by then (he had never seen anyone as narcissistic as the Phantom and Amschel) – to where Solomon stood. "Take our picture."

Meanwhile, Saya was convincing Haji to have their picture taken. "Haji, come on. Our wedding happens only once. Let's have that photographer take our picture."

Haji was nonchalant. "All right."

"Thank you, Haji!" She and Haji went to where Diva and Solomon were. "Take our pictures," she told the photographer.

Diva glared at her. "What? Stop that; he's still taking our picture!"

"Well, he has to take our picture now!" Saya said. She took hold of the photographer's arm and dragged him (you notice the word drag is what's used always? It's because they all drag the photographer brutally – as if he can't walk by himself). "It's very hard to convince Haji to have our picture taken! What if he changes his mind?"

"You shut up! You married Haji! How should I know?" Diva screamed, pulling the photographer's other arm. "Amschel paid for this! And he's _my_ chevalier!"

Ticked, Saya shut her eyes. When she opened them, they were red. They were talking business, all right. "Diva!"

Diva rolled her eyes, wondering why her sister always wanted a pissing match. "Saya!"

Solomon shook his head. "Diva, just let go of him. While he takes their picture, let's walk around this place."

Diva, although still irritated, let go. "This isn't over yet, Saya," she muttered, her eyes turning dark blue. But she followed Solomon, and Saya was left with the photographer.

Saya pulled Haji close to her, smiling widely for the camera.

The photographer took his place. "Say cheese," he said, adjusting the lens.

"Cheese!"

Flash of light.

"One more!" the photographer said.

Saya continued smiling.

The photographer's brows furrowed. "Hey, your husband won't smile."

"What?" Saya threw Haji a glance. Sure enough, he wasn't smiling. "Haji, you better smile." She turned to the camera, smiling again.

The photographer didn't click the shutter. "He **isn't** smiling," he protested.

"Haji," Saya began. Why was her husband not smiling?

"And what's with the bandage?" the photographer added, scratching his head. "Remove that. It wouldn't look good in the picture." Apparently, they immediately replaced the bandage around his hand.

"We can't," Saya said worriedly.

"Why can't you?"

"Just take our picture!" Saya demanded.

"But your husband isn't smiling!"

"That's none of your business!"

"He should smile!"

"Well, he doesn't want to!"

"Then force him!"

Saya tried. She pinched Haji and tried to make him smile. "Come on, Haji, don't make this hard for me." A short while later, she could see Haji smile. "I did it!" She turned to the camera. "Take our picture!"

"He's not smiling," the photographer said, bored. He was getting tired of it. "He stopped smiling after you removed your hands."

"What?" Saya turned to Haji. He wasn't smiling. "Oh, no."

"Well?"

"Just take our picture, you imbecile!" Saya demanded.

"Whatever," the photographer said and took their picture.

The result? Not one of them was smiling.

After the picture was taken, Haji smiled.

What the heck?

"Why didn't you smile a short while ago?" the photographer asked somewhat angrily. He didn't like pictures where no one smiled.

Haji shrugged. "My face muscles won't move. I haven't used them in years."

The photographer gaped at him, jaws falling open. How could this couple stand each other?

Saya hugged Haji. "That's fine."

Diva and Solomon got back. "Hey, are you done?" Diva asked. "We should have a group picture, right?"

Saya nodded. "Let's call everyone." They called their visitors and friends, posing happily for the camera. Haji finally smiled. Diva looked less evil.

The photographer positioned his camera, holding up three fingers, gazing through the camera's lens. "This is the last of the film, so don't screw this up, people."

"_Film_?! What the hell – don't you have a digital camera? This _isn't_ Jurassic Era, Mister!" Saya exclaimed furiously, ready to pounce on the photographer any second.

"Shut up, lady, or else I'll take a picture of _me_," the photographer snapped right back, shutting Saya up good. "Now _pose_! Three…two… one…"

It was then Anschel and the Phantom entered the scene. They both had bruises and concussions, their eyes almost closing, and several of their teeth were missing. "Hey, take our picture!"

The photographer clicked the shutter.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Of course not after Diva and Saya murdered Amschel and the Phantom for messing up their picture.

**…****wedding mayhem…**

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My **first** Blood+ fic. Yay me. :)

**Hilaire  
06.09.07**


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